tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28732645426320966182024-02-20T07:47:31.868-08:00Penelope's PantyhosePenelope can run, but her stockings run faster.Penelope's Pantyhosehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14960725640823351029noreply@blogger.comBlogger33125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2873264542632096618.post-34706286436296249192011-11-30T20:09:00.001-08:002011-11-30T20:13:03.128-08:00Some early Xmas cheer...Check it out, my hose monkeys. Patience pays off. I have new episodes for you!
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Enjoy! :)
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Daily episodes can be found <a href="http://youtube.com/penelopespantyhose">here at my <em>Penelope's Pantyhose</em> YouTube channel!</a>Penelope's Pantyhosehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14960725640823351029noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2873264542632096618.post-61044167939845358722011-10-21T08:00:00.000-07:002011-10-21T10:11:18.128-07:00Happy Belated National Stockings Day!As too often, I'm a day late and several dollars short... yesterday was <a href="http://www.femalefirst.co.uk/lifestyle-fashion/stylenews/National+Stocking+Day-13013.html">National Stockings Day!</a> I can't believe I didn't mark the occasion! That's the closest thing there is to a national holiday here at <a href="http://youtube.com/penelopespantyhose"><i>Penelope's Pantyhose</i></a>.
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To make up for it, I give you sixteen--count 'em!--sixteen pantyhose style tutorials from YouTube fashion vloggers. Keep in mind, most of these women refer to them as "tights." Which I still don't get, since this isn't the UK, but whatever. Pantyhose by another name... (no, I'm not going to say, "would smell as sweet.")
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Links to each individual YouTuber can be found above her video; as always, <a href="http://youtube.com/penelopespantyhose">you can get to my own YouTube channel by clicking here.</a>
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From <a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/abbykayleigh">abbykayleigh:</a>
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From <a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/ShowOffYourStyle">ShowOffYourStyle:</a>
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From <a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/MarkeytaForever">MarkeytaForever:</a>
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From <a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/ChevroletBabe">ChevroletBabe:</a>
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From <a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/MissT235">MissT235:</a>
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From <a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/aaashlynnnd">aaashlynnnd:</a>
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From <a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/cclaraaaa">cclaraaaa:</a>
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From <a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/BritPopPrincess">BritPopPrincess:</a>
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From <a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/NoelleCellini">NoelleCellini:</a>
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From <a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/xoCheetahlicious">xoCheetahlicious:</a>
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From <a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/stealingbeauty">stealingbeauty:</a>
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From <a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/whaddupBEAUTY">whaddupBEAUTY:</a>
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From <a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/Prettywildthings">Prettywildthings:</a>
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From <a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/aadorkzz">aadorkzz:</a>
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From <a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/beautycrush">beautycrush:</a>
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From <a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/halfasianbeauty">halfasianbeauty:</a>
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Just like the other video, it features miles and miles of leg for you guys to ogle, a beat-up old car and one very frustrated girl who has lengthy conversations with her dashboard.
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You can find more <a href="http://youtube.com/noe2k">noe2k</a> on her YouTube channel and you can find <a href="http://youtube.com/penelopespantyhose">more of me and my girls at <i>Penelope's Pantyhose</i> on YouTube.</a>Penelope's Pantyhosehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14960725640823351029noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2873264542632096618.post-89911290393492136612011-10-11T22:46:00.000-07:002011-10-11T22:46:03.299-07:00"Is That A Ladder In Your Stocking Or A Stairway To Heaven?"Nobody does pantyhose commercials like the Europeans do... especially since we don't do them any more at all.
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Here's a fun ad for a German brand of pantyhose called Kunert. At least I think it's German. It sounds German.
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Anyway, they make very pretty pantyhose and (according to this ad) very durable ones. I must say, the models in this commercial put their nylons through some serious torture. Shredding, ripping, tearing to pieces. Brutal, but kinda hot. ;)
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Enjoy, you guys...
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See more pantyhose commercials like this at <a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/demdenise">demdenise's channel</a>. And (you know the drill by now), <a href="http://youtube.com/penelopespantyhose">check out all my great videos at my <i>Penelope's Pantyhose</i> channel on YouTube!</a>Penelope's Pantyhosehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14960725640823351029noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2873264542632096618.post-11108429957727604052011-10-10T23:00:00.000-07:002011-10-10T23:01:57.514-07:00Have You Checked Your Hose?Sorry it's been a few days, guys... long weekend got the better of me. ;)
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This clip represents one of the more bizarre YouTube trends I've run across. For reasons I can't fathom, a lot of guys are really into watching a pantyhose-clad woman pump the gas pedal in her car.
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Not only is that bizarre, it's environmentally icky.
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Anyway, this clip is even weirder than most because it's got a little story built into it. A vignette, if you will.
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This actress improvises the hell out of this scene, establishing through her monologue that she's late for the prom, that her boyfriend's too cheap to spring for a limo and that she's got to drive her grandmother's piece of crap car.
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If this were a movie, I'd criticize this scene for including all that exposition. But here, it just makes things more fun. ;)
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Enjoy, boys...
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To see more of this girl and other pedal pumpers, check out her <a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/noe2k">YouTube</a>. But before (and after) you do, <a href="http://youtube.com/penelopespantyhose">swing on over to my YouTube channel to watch all the episodes of my comedy, <i>Penelope's Pantyhose</i>.</a> You'll be oh so glad you did!Penelope's Pantyhosehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14960725640823351029noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2873264542632096618.post-38917530215072368302011-10-07T14:21:00.000-07:002011-10-07T14:21:02.231-07:00A Tights TrilogyCheck it out! Three... THREE... videos about tights, pantyhose, stocking, nylons, fishnets, what have you. Not sure what <a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/bree25">this chick's</a> deal is, but she certainly seems to love her hosiery. Good enough to merit a special Friday three-play as my pantyhose clip o' the day post. Enjoy!
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Check out <a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/bree25">bree25</a> if you want to see more of her, and absolutely <a href="http://youtube.com/penelopespantyhose"><i>Penelope's Pantyhose</i> to see more of me and my gang!</a>Penelope's Pantyhosehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14960725640823351029noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2873264542632096618.post-41278125285646580972011-10-06T09:11:00.000-07:002011-10-06T09:11:21.165-07:00Legs of the Living DeadPantyhose and zombies: a winning combination. Well, as long as the <i>zombies</i> aren't wearing the pantyhose...
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Today's fun find comes from the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/hotfactsgirls">hotfactsgirls</a> channel on YouTube. The channel features dozens of pretty young girls spouting trivia on every topic you can imagine, ranging from Thanksgiving to Nazis (I don't know who runs the channel, but I think he spends a little too much time on Wikipedia).
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The girls almost always show off a lot of leg. They don't always wear hose, but I'm sure one or two of you guys will go on an "Easter egg hunt" through the channel's 266 videos and ferret out the ones where they do. ;)
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Again, you can find this and similar videos on the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/hotfactsgirls">hotfactsgirls channel</a> at YouTube, but while you're there <a href="http://youtube.com/penelopespantyhose">please come check out the <i>Penelope's Pantyhose</i> channel and get up to speed on my great show!</a>Penelope's Pantyhosehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14960725640823351029noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2873264542632096618.post-87683169929734854702011-10-05T21:25:00.000-07:002011-10-05T21:26:25.676-07:00Open Your Mind And Say, "Aaaahhh!!"Today's odd little video deals with the origin of pantyhose, as presented in the "Psychology With Sandy" series by <a href="http://youtube.com/psychetruth">psychetruth</a>.
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Sandy's psychotherapy technique seems to involve using her pantyhose to hypnotize patients. Or something like that... she wears very short skirts and shows her legs off a LOT.
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Somehow, I doubt any of you guys are in a hurry to report her inappropriate attire to the medical board...
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A lot of <a href="http://youtube.com/psychetruth">psychetruth's</a> videos are like this, so they're worth checking out. As are <a href="http://youtube.com/penelopespantyhose">the videos in my YouTube comedy series, <i>Penelope's Pantyhose</i>.</a>Penelope's Pantyhosehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14960725640823351029noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2873264542632096618.post-91164547787683418612011-10-04T08:59:00.000-07:002011-10-04T09:00:19.922-07:00"Did Her Fodder Pay Da Rantsum Yet?"The intensity... the excitement... the raw power...
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... the accent... the apartment.
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Okay, this is not exactly <i>Iron Man 2</i>.
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Some people, from the looks of it, got hold of a Wonder Woman costume and decided that was all the production value required to make a superhero movie.
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And who is better suited to the part of Wonder Woman than a dirty blonde with a pronounced German accent?
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There's no plot as such, just a double-cross, a black refrigerator magnet that somehow sucks away superpowers, a gut punch, some slapping, a little chloroform and some carrying around. All the makings of a Hollywood blockbuster. Oh, and a menacing black dude in a military shirt who wears his sunglasses inside.
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The name of this nefarious arch-supervillain? "Steve." Strikes terror to the very heart of you, doesn't it?
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But hey, the video fits our criteria. Cute girl, pantyhose, yadda, yadda, yadda...
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Check out <a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/reject5430">reject5430's YouTube channel</a> for more videos like this one, but not without paying a visit to <a href="http://www.youtube.com/penelopespantyhose">my YouTube channel to see what's up with me and the rest of the gang at <i>Penelope's Pantyhose</i>.</a>Penelope's Pantyhosehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14960725640823351029noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2873264542632096618.post-44925110983930758492011-10-03T08:35:00.000-07:002011-10-03T08:37:31.437-07:00M-I-C-K-E-WOW!Today's bit of odd fun ("odd" being the operative word) is a kind of pantyhose fashion tutorial done in a kinda kooky infomercial style. It's by Vietnamese blogger <a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/mickeylehuynh">mickeylehuynh</a> and she definitely has the legs to pull it off. Does a little shoe dangling too, for you who take note of such (I officially know too much about what you guys are into).
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That's all I have to say. Enjoy!
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Be sure and visit <a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/mickeylehuynh">mickey's channel</a> and be extra special super sure to <a href="http://youtube.com/penelopespantyhose">visit the channel of my hit YouTube comedy <i>Penelope's Pantyhose</i>.</a>Penelope's Pantyhosehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14960725640823351029noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2873264542632096618.post-75930419659022174102011-10-02T08:57:00.000-07:002011-10-03T08:38:20.824-07:00Who Are You Wearing, Eh?We here at <a href="http://youtube.com/penelopespantyhose"><i>Penelope's Pantyhose</i></a> love Outfit of the Day (OOTD) videos, and this one is a keeper. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/saturdaynightsalrite">Karissa</a> is a cute and bouncy party girl (a Canadian one, at that) with a fun sense of fashion and (as we can see) a love of showing it off. Since that fashion sense includes sheer black pantyhose and a scandalously short skirt, I figured you guys would approve. Enjoy!
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Check out <a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/saturdaynightsalrite">Karissa's YouTube</a> but not before you bop over to <a href="http://youtube.com/penelopespantyhose">my YouTube channel to give my show <i>Penelope's Pantyhose</i> a proper look-see!</a>Penelope's Pantyhosehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14960725640823351029noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2873264542632096618.post-17200405680756133952011-10-01T09:13:00.000-07:002011-10-01T09:15:04.660-07:00Feelin' GroovyToday's selection is nutty but fun. it features an episode of the <a href="http://youtube.com/jeffyoung60">Pantyhose Review</a>, a YouTube show hosted by a pretty woman named Laurie. Here, we see her reviewing vintage pantyhose packaging from the early 1970s. Or, as cultural historians refer to the era, the Nylon Age (well if they don't, they should). ;)
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You can see more episodes of <a href="http://youtube.com/jeffyoung60">Laurie's Pantyhose Review</a> on her YouTube channel and <a href="http://youtube.com/penelopespantyhose">LOTS and LOTS of episodes of my show <i>Penelope's Pantyhose</i> on my channel!</a> ;)Penelope's Pantyhosehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14960725640823351029noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2873264542632096618.post-15765663140631070422011-09-30T10:36:00.000-07:002011-09-30T10:36:34.737-07:00Just Say No To Saying No!To prove that we here at <a href="http://youtube.com/penelopespantyhose"><i>Penelope's Pantyhose</i></a> are open minded, we occasionally post the viewpoints of those with dissenting opinions regarding our favorite accessory.
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Today, we present a music video where YouTube megastar <a href="http://youtube.com/BrittaniLouiseTaylor">Brittani Louise Taylor</a> voices her extreme opposition to pantyhose.
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Or, as they're called in England--and here, all of a sudden, weirdly enough--"tights."
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Enjoy...
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Check out the hilarious Brittani on <a href="http://youtube.com/BrittaniLouiseTaylor">her YouTube channel</a> and even more importantly, <a href="http://youtube.com/penelopespantyhose">come watch <i>Penelope's Pantyhose</i> on mine!</a>Penelope's Pantyhosehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14960725640823351029noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2873264542632096618.post-47452683432120502142011-09-29T08:06:00.000-07:002011-09-29T08:08:02.463-07:00Pantyhose With A German AccentToday, I have something extra special for you: German hottie <a href="http://youtube.com/VomVintageVerweht">VomVintageVerweht</a>. Here she models a killer collection of amazing pantyhose in all kinds of styles, colors and patterns.
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This model's videos are full of silly dancing as she shows off her outfits, which almost always include nylons or tights. Knowing you guys, she'd be your ideal girlfriend. ;)
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Pretty girl, pretty legs, pretty feet, pretty nylons. All I can say after watching this is, "Deutschland über alles!"
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For more of this girl, <a href="http://youtube.com/VomVintageVerweht">check out her YouTube</a>. But not before you <a href="http://youtube.com/penelopespantyhose">visit me and my girls on <i>Penelope's Pantyhose</i>.</a>Penelope's Pantyhosehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14960725640823351029noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2873264542632096618.post-88321323573706608062011-09-28T11:59:00.000-07:002011-09-28T12:00:06.985-07:00Darling Is Right!Goodness! Today's treat is a treat indeed.
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Here, lovely model Ela Darling (darlingela on YouTube) puts on a pantyhose fashion show featuring the lovely gifts her fans have sent her. Where do I get fans like that? ;)
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Anyhow, you know the drill. Pretty girl. Couch. Pantyhose.
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Enjoy!
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You can show Ela some fan love on <a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/darlingela">her YouTube channel</a> but first, don't forget to <a href="http://youtube.com/penelopespantyhose">give me and my ladies some love at <i>Penelope's Pantyhose</i>.</a>Penelope's Pantyhosehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14960725640823351029noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2873264542632096618.post-17520244362969093622011-09-27T08:52:00.000-07:002011-09-27T08:52:29.789-07:00Girls In Pantyhose? I Know Something About That...A web comedy about an office girl complaining about pantyhose? Hmm... imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, I guess. ;)
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Just kidding (sort of). This popular and funny music video features the sexy, saucy and silly Allene Quincy strutting her stuff in sheer tan hose and office attire. You lot'll no doubt eat it up. :D
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Enjoy!
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For more Allene, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/Buddieshollywood">check out the Buddieshollywood YouTube channel</a> and, as always, to see more of me <a href="http://youtube.com/penelopespantyhose">check out my show <i>Penelope's Pantyhose</i>.</a>Penelope's Pantyhosehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14960725640823351029noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2873264542632096618.post-30166656911417252692011-09-26T13:41:00.000-07:002011-09-26T13:41:03.695-07:00Bonus Music Video #2One more video for you guys today, adorable songstress Raven Zoe performing her original piece "Traded For Gold." If there's one thing you fans of my show are used to by now, it's cute girls in nylons hanging around on couches. Enjoy! :)
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Please check out more of Raven's great song stylings <a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/officialravenzoe">on her channel</a> and <a href="http://youtube.com/penelopespantyhose">go to my channel to check out my series <i>Penelope's Pantyhose.</i></a>Penelope's Pantyhosehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14960725640823351029noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2873264542632096618.post-43096527818634586212011-09-26T13:33:00.000-07:002011-09-26T13:41:58.238-07:00Bonus Music Video #1Here's a fun little music video that Belgian cutie Twinklybird (a.k.a. Josie) made for the song "Fake It" by Brad Sucks. Josie's wearing pretty patterned tights throughout the video.
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Check out <a href="http://youtube.com/twinklybird">Twinklybird's channel</a> for more great videos and, as always, <a href="http://youtube.com/penelopespantyhose">go to my channel to see episodes of my comedy series <i>Penelope's Pantyhose!</i></a>Penelope's Pantyhosehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14960725640823351029noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2873264542632096618.post-34639220460219169462011-09-26T09:54:00.000-07:002011-09-26T13:42:50.327-07:00Happy Early Valentine's Day!Today's selection is a personal favorite, the gorgeous TaraMichelleZ showing off a number of Valentine's Day outfits with a special emphasis on sheer nude and black pantyhose. Check her out...
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See more of TaraMichelleZ at <a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/TaraMichelleZ">her YouTube channel</a> or <a href="http://youtube.com/penelopespantyhose">pop over to my channel for fresh episodes of <i>Penelope's Pantyhose!</i></a>Penelope's Pantyhosehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14960725640823351029noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2873264542632096618.post-4365781726324729662011-09-25T16:02:00.000-07:002011-09-26T13:43:49.737-07:00A Change of Pace (or Change of Pantyhose)I'm moving away from diary-style blog entries... I just get too lazy to do them!
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I don't want my site to fall into disuse though, so my new plan is this: starting today, I'm posting my favorite pantyhose and/or tights videos from around YouTube and around the web. And because it's an easy enough thing to do, you can expect daily updates.
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They will run the gamut from style tutorials to outfits of the day to music videos, scenes from movies, super heroine dramas, you name it. If it's relevant content and it's interesting, informative, funny or in any way entertaining, I'll post it here.
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Let's start the ball rolling with a super sexy (and somewhat silly) review clip from fellow pantyhose blogger Christina. And if you want to see more of Christina, go check out <a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/christinaaqccp">her YouTube channel</a>.
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As always, you can check out my own videos on <a href="http://youtube.com/penelopespantyhose">my <i>Penelope's Pantyhose</i> YouTube channel</a>.Penelope's Pantyhosehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14960725640823351029noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2873264542632096618.post-89878062355999523752011-05-11T12:10:00.000-07:002011-05-17T10:46:40.408-07:00Pregnant pause, fast forward and stop(Reposted from my old blog. New blogs coming soon!)<br />
<br />
Well... I spoke with Turbo.<br />
<br />
No, no, no, not about <em><b>that!</b></em><br />
<br />
It turns out I'm not pregnant. I just have issues with stress, and...<br />
<br />
... okay, bloating. I don't want to get into that right now.<br />
<br />
I found out in the ER at St. Joe's. Courtesy of <em><b>While You're Down There, Doc.</b></em><br />
<br />
That's the name of the routine Suki and I have developed to compensate for the fact that the temp agency offers really sucky health insurance.<br />
<br />
We'll give each other a cut or a bruise, nothing major, or we'll get something lodged somewhere - you don't need to know the details - and we'll rush one another to the emergency room.<br />
<br />
While the doctor is stitching or swabbing or--gah--extracting, we'll say, "While you're down there, Doc, could you also look at <em><b>this?</b></em>"<br />
<br />
I don't recommend the practice if you're not cute and a girl. There are definitely advantages that come with that combo.<br />
<br />
Also me and Suki have stopped doing it now that we've found out that emergency room treatments aren't free.<br />
<br />
Don't let it be said we didn't go out on a high note: "While you're down there, Doc, could you see if I'm pregnant?"<br />
<br />
He did, and I wasn't.<br />
<br />
Oh, anyway, back to Turbo.<br />
<br />
I hunted that fucker down to make him pay for removing the scratches from the door of my Hyundai. With trying to hire new girls, I've been even more strapped for cash than usual.<br />
<br />
We met down in Hollywood, at that same In-N'-Out where we had our little rendezvous.<br />
<br />
And NO, we didn't do it again.<br />
<br />
Okay, we did mess around some, but that's not important...<br />
<br />
He refused to pay to fix my car door. At which point I was ready to zip him up and tell him to go fuck himself, but then he surprised the hell out of me.<br />
<br />
He made me an offer for the Hyundai. Twelve hundred bucks. Okay, yeah, that wasn't much, but I was desperate.<br />
<br />
Plus the car really was a piece of crap.<br />
<br />
So I finished what I was doing--which took way too long and I think may have aggravated my repetitive motion disorder--got Turbo tucked in and squared away, and had him drop me off at the subway station at Hollywood and Highland.<br />
<br />
Which was a complete circus. I should have had him take me to the station at Vine.<br />
<br />
Have you ever tried to negotiate the sidewalk around Hollywood and Highland? It's like some Third World bazaar! Only instead of people getting in your face and trying to sell you rugs and gourds and crap, it's people in shitty superhero costumes getting in your face and trying to make you hand them money for looking retarded.<br />
<br />
I was still in my stuffy work clothes, which made things worse. Pantyhose and suits do not mix well with hot sun and pushy crowds.<br />
<br />
I didn't just feel clammy. I felt like a clam.<br />
<br />
The first obstacle I had to get past was the guy drumming on the big plastic pails.<br />
<br />
I get migraines enough when it's just the clamor of my own thoughts deafening me. I don't need any outside help.<br />
<br />
Don't get me wrong, the guy's great at what he does. He just happens to have honed a talent that is head-splittingly annoying.<br />
<br />
Then I had to push my way past all the bargain basement superheroes, cheesy movie mascots and celebrity impersonators.<br />
<br />
Let's see, there was a Superman, two Batmen, a pathetic Hulk with green bodypaint over a beer belly, four Captain Jack Sparrows, three ugly Marilyn Monroes, a seriously faded Spongebob, a puffy Iron Man--he was new--and a Supergirl who looked like she may have been pushing fifty.<br />
<br />
Oh, and an idiot wearing an AC/DC shirt with a Butt-head mask. (Jesus, does anybody even remember Beavis and Butt-head at this point?)<br />
<br />
I didn't see him at first. In fact, I almost tripped over him.<br />
<br />
As I was pushing my way through this cavalcade of freaks, I felt something brush past my leg. I thought it was a small dog or--knowing Hollywood--a large rat.<br />
<br />
Then I tried to take a step and felt something literally grab at my ankle.<br />
<br />
I looked down, and there was Butt-head on all fours. Clutching at my leg, pulling at my pantyhose and trying to get a look up my skirt.<br />
<br />
I kicked him as hard as I could. Which was apparently pretty hard, because his rubber face scrunched up and blood started to drip from his nose hole.<br />
<br />
There was a big scuffle, and some cops were called over.<br />
<br />
Long story short, I almost got myself arrested.<br />
<br />
Turns out Butt-head wasn't a pervert at all. He was on his knees looking for a dropped contact lens.<br />
<br />
I felt awful. I offered to pay the guy's medical bills, but he said we'd be square if I treated him to a cup of coffee.<br />
<br />
His name is Roger. And with the big rubber mask off he's actually kind of cute.<br />
<br />
Well... if you can get past the swollen, bloody nose.<p><center><object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/p/80365E1D8DFC2E40?hl=en_US&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/p/80365E1D8DFC2E40?hl=en_US&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="480" height="385" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true"></embed></object><br />
Love you! See you all soon!</center>Penelope's Pantyhosehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14960725640823351029noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2873264542632096618.post-84727366206292031252011-05-11T12:01:00.000-07:002011-05-17T10:45:59.267-07:00Fat Tuesday(Reposted from my old blog. New blogs coming soon!)<br />
<br />
Sorry again about the infrequent updates, but I've been really sick.<br />
<br />
Nausea, light headedness, irritability, changes in appetite...<br />
<br />
The kicker came Tuesday, when I was getting dressed for work.<br />
<br />
Wriggling into my pantyhose has never been such a chore. And they squeezed my stomach in so much it almost hurt.<br />
<br />
I thought for a second that I had bought a size too small, or grabbed a pair of control top pantyhose by mistake.<br />
<br />
No such luck.<br />
<br />
Once I realized that my skirt was fitting tight and that my blouse wouldn't button all the way down, I realized my clothes weren't the problem. My belly was.<br />
<br />
Oh my God, I thought, what if I'm pregnant?<br />
<br />
Given the timing of it, the only real candidate would've been Turbo. The greasy biker from the In-N'-Out parking lot.<br />
<br />
That was too horrid a thing to even consider.<br />
<br />
God, I don't know how I'd handle it if I found out I was carrying Turbo Jr.<br />
<br />
At first I didn't even think I had Turbo's number, but then I noticed he'd scratched it into the door of my car. Classy, classy guy.<br />
<br />
And even though I'm staunchly pro-choice and Turbo is a living argument for <em>Roe v Wade</em>, I'm also a lifelong Catholic girl weaned on copious amounts of guilt and shame.<br />
<br />
So I don't know what the hell I'd do if I really <b><em>was</em></b> pregnant.<br />
<br />
I told Suki about it and she got all excited. Which was the last thing I needed.<br />
<br />
There are times when you need your friends to be happy for you and there are times when you need them to be miserable for you. This was one of the latter.<br />
<br />
At lunch, I grabbed Suki and made a mad dash to the nearest drug store to pick up a home pregnancy test. Then we made a mad dash back to the office so I could run to the restroom and see what the story was.<br />
<br />
Wriggling out of my pantyhose proved even more problematic than wriggling into them had been. The waistband had formed an airtight seal against my belly.<br />
<br />
I was vacuum-packed!<br />
<br />
The only thing left to do was--and there's no way to put this delicately--pee on a stick.<br />
<br />
Unfortunately, all my pent-up anxiety was making it almost impossible to go.<br />
<br />
I ended up having to turn on all the faucets in the restroom, just so the sound of all that rushing water would "put me in the mood."<br />
<br />
That didn't work, because all the faucets are those hand-activated ones like you see in the movie theaters. They only turn on for a few seconds and then automatically stop.<br />
<br />
I exhausted myself half to death running around and waving my hand in front of each faucet and then doing it all over again just to keep them all going.<br />
<br />
Finally, with the clock ticking and scant seconds to spare before the end of my lunch break, the floodgates let loose. For some reason, thinking about the Loch Ness Monster is what did the trick.<br />
<br />
I quickly did what I had to do, but then I realized I still had to wait two minutes for the results!<br />
<br />
What were the results?<br />
<br />
I'm still not sure!<br />
<br />
The indicator was supposed to show a plus sign if I was pregnant and a minus sign if I wasn't.<br />
<br />
It didn't show either!<br />
<br />
What it did show looked like something halfway between a plus and minus sign. Sort of a short, squat capital T.<br />
<br />
Just when things couldn't possibly get any worse, the restroom door burst open and there was the Alien Queen. Eyeballing me and the pregnancy test in my hand.<br />
<br />
She didn't write me up for being late back from lunch, but there was an extra layer of weirdness between us the rest of the day.<br />
<br />
And I didn't even know what to tell Suki.<br />
<br />
All I know is I'm still feeling dizzy, nauseous and fat.<br />
<br />
Whether that's due to an expanding fetus or an addiction to street vendor burritos remains to be seen...<p><center><object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/p/80365E1D8DFC2E40?hl=en_US&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/p/80365E1D8DFC2E40?hl=en_US&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="480" height="385" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true"></embed></object><br />
Love you! See you all soon!</center>Penelope's Pantyhosehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14960725640823351029noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2873264542632096618.post-87396975050597171262011-05-11T11:55:00.000-07:002011-05-17T10:45:12.470-07:00Things that stick(Reposted from my old blog. New blogs coming soon!)<br />
<br />
Sorry I haven't blogged much this week. Life continues to kick my ass at every turn.<br />
<br />
First of all, and worst of all, my piece of shit Hyundai keeps stalling out on me. It's even happened on the freeway a few times, which scares the hell out of me.<br />
<br />
I probably should get rid of the damned thing, but I can't afford another car right now. Or anytime soon.<br />
<br />
Work has been hectic. It's performance review time, for perms and temps alike. And not only do I have to get ready for my own, I've been put in charge of scheduling everybody else's.<br />
<br />
Meaning I have to go around and deal with EVERYBODY in the office. Including Ugly Eric, Grabby Matt, Princess Bitch, Pharmacy Phyllis and Sticky Pete (EVERY time you shake this guy's hands they're sticky, swear to God).<br />
<br />
And oh yeah, lucky me, it has me working very closely with the Alien Queen.<br />
<br />
Every time I think I have the schedule set, she gives me another reason to change it. First she wanted it alphabetical, then she wanted it boy-girl-boy-girl, then she wanted it by seniority, then she wanted it by position in the company.<br />
<br />
Now she wants it by all those things, cross-referenced with their unused vacation and sick days.<br />
<br />
Speaking of which, I haven't been feeling that great. Retched my guts out this morning when I got up. (Ooh, sexy.)<br />
<br />
As I went around the office today, every single person - male, female and whatever - was staring at my legs. To the point where it was seriously creeping me out.<br />
<br />
My first thought was, is everybody in the world suddenly one of you pantyhose freaks? (No offense, you know I say that with affection. You guys keep my lights turned on.)<br />
<br />
Then I got panicky, thinking word had maybe gotten around about my website.<br />
<br />
Which would be a complete frigging nightmare. If my temp agency caught wind of it, I'd be sunk.<br />
<br />
I hate temping, but it's the only game I got.<br />
<br />
It was Suki who finally told me to look down. Duh.<br />
<br />
I had nicked myself shaving this morning, and didn't realize the cut had kept bleeding.<br />
<br />
By late afternoon when Suki brought it to my attention, the blood had pooled up, soaked through my stocking and dried. I say "dried" but it was still pretty clammy and sticky. (Sticky like Pete, clammy like Icky Irene.)<br />
<br />
On the verge of tears, I ran to the bathroom.<br />
<br />
When I tried to take the hose off, I found that I couldn't. They were stuck to my leg.<br />
<br />
I ended up having to hoist my foot into the sink - no mean feat - and splash water onto my leg.<br />
<br />
Anyway, I got dizzy and passed out.<br />
<br />
I woke up, it must have been three hours later. It was dark out, the office was quiet, there wasn't a soul around.<br />
<br />
Nobody have ever bothered to look in on me. Not Suki. Not Alien Queen. Not even Bathroom Break Betty, who pees about a million times a day.<br />
<br />
Suddenly, I heard this KA-THUNK coming down the hallway. There was a pause, kind of a muffled SPLOOSHING sound, then another KA-THUNK. This one louder.<br />
<br />
All I could think was some machete-wielding maniac was stalking the halls, dragging a heavy body behind him and pausing now and again to hack another piece off it.<br />
<br />
I have a weird mind.<br />
<br />
The sound drew really close, so I freaked out and ducked under a desk.<br />
<br />
I'm an idiot.<br />
<br />
It was Herve, one of the maintenance guys, wheeling his bucket along and mopping the floor.<br />
<br />
He must've thought I was a freak, huddled under the desk, wild-eyed and wielding a letter opener like a knife.<br />
<br />
And oh yes, with a pair of bloody pantyhose dangling from one leg.<br />
<br />
Herve took me down to Dan in security, who let me out of the building and opened the parking garage for me.<br />
<br />
Dan's kinda hot.<br />
<br />
Never mind that though, I've gotta get to sleep (seeing as it's almost time to wake up).<br />
<br />
I am going to give Suki so much hell tomorrow...<p><center><object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/p/80365E1D8DFC2E40?hl=en_US&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/p/80365E1D8DFC2E40?hl=en_US&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="480" height="385" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true"></embed></object><br />
Love you! See you all soon!</center>Penelope's Pantyhosehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14960725640823351029noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2873264542632096618.post-82744963388743345962011-05-11T11:51:00.000-07:002011-05-17T10:44:17.906-07:00It may look like cotton but it sure ain't candy(Reposted from my old blog. New blogs coming soon!)<br />
<br />
So yesterday me and Sook decided we needed to devote the entire day to low-stress, G-rated activities.<br />
<br />
Just to wash off the stank of Saturday night and the general yuckitude of working on the website.<br />
<br />
Best of all? It meant spending a whole day out of the damn pantyhose.<br />
<br />
We started off with a game of Scrabble, which is always a blast.<br />
<br />
See, Suki's a bad speller and I'm too lazy to care. And we're both so competitive we'll cheat like crazy in order to win. So by the end of the game, the board is one massive clusterfuck of misspellings and made-up words.<br />
<br />
In a messed-up, screwed-up way, it's kind of beautiful.<br />
<br />
After the Scrabble, it was movie time. We rented five of the least porny flicks we could think of: <em>Breakfast At Tiffany's</em>, <em>Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory</em>, <em>Terms of Endearment</em>, <em>Annie Hall</em> and <em>North By Northwest</em>.<br />
<br />
Let me state here and now that I LOVE <em>Annie Hall</em>. Love it, love it, love it. It's my all-time favorite movie. I must've watched it a hundred times and could probably watch it a thousand more.<br />
<br />
So we decided to save that one for last.<br />
<br />
And believe me, by the time we were done watching the rest of those LONG-ASS movies - great as they were - I was more than ready to kick back with the movie I most love.<br />
<br />
The second the disk started playing, I could tell something was horribly wrong.<br />
<br />
I know every frame of <em>Annie Hall</em>, and I don't remember the movie opening up on a hardcore sex scene in a circus tent. With calliope music playing in the background.<br />
<br />
It didn't take long to figure out that the video store clerk--this German guy named Gunter--had switched <em>Annie Hall</em> out for a porno DVD.<br />
<br />
He does that sometimes. He's got a thing for Suki and he thinks it'll turn her on if he sneak attacks her with porno.<br />
<br />
(Quick note guys, that tactic DOES NOT work. Ever. I only tell you this on the off chance that you'll one day step away from your computer monitors and meet actual girls. Not that I'm suggesting you <em>should</em>... Lord knows I can't afford to lose a single customer at this point.)<br />
<br />
Anyway, the porn Suki brought home wasn't just straight ahead porn-porn.<br />
<br />
We should've been so lucky.<br />
<br />
No, what Suki brought home was something I never knew existed and even now wish I could bleach from my brain.<br />
<br />
What Suki brought home was pure, unadulterated <em>clown porn</em>.<br />
<br />
I don't know if it's made for disturbed people with some kind of crazy clown fetish, or if it's just regular porn made to entertain actual clowns, but either way it's just evil and wrong.<br />
<br />
Porn is inherently disturbing and disgusting. And clowns--along with ventriloquist dummies and images of Alfred E. Neuman--are the stuff of nightmares.<br />
<br />
You mix those two things together and the results are both horrifying and sad.<br />
<br />
Yet strangely compelling.<br />
<br />
Suki and I sat, transfixed and silent, through the entire length of the movie. Disturbing as it was, we could neither stop it nor turn away from it.<br />
<br />
Apparently there's something inherently hypnotic about porn actors in full clown makeup and regalia--up to and including big floppy shoes, rubber sponge noses and rainbow colored afro wigs--going at it like monkeys while accompanied by a sleazy guitar rendition of "The Daring Young Man On The Flying Trapeze."<br />
<br />
The most traumatic moment was this blowjob scene where the guy is wearing nothing but a barrel - with a hole cut in it, of course - held up by suspenders.<br />
<br />
Throughout the entire scene, the guy is squeezing one of those old-timey rubber-bulbed Harpo Marx horns. The more excited he gets, the faster he squeezes the horn. Finally, at the moment of climax, he honks the horn a bunch of times really quickly and showers confetti...<br />
<br />
... among other stuff...<br />
<br />
... all over the face of this poor lady clown in Groucho glasses and a novelty light-up bow tie.<br />
<br />
After the movie was done, Suki and I didn't speak or even look at one another. Without a word, she just got up, ejected the disk, gathered her things and left.<br />
<br />
I don't think I'll ever be able to go to the circus again after sitting through <em>The Greatest Ho On Earth</em>.<br />
<br />
And I know I'll never be able to look at Tiger the same way again. Because I'm pretty sure I recognized <em>her</em>, white face paint or no, in a gangbang scene with a bunch of midgets in a really tiny car.<br />
<br />
The saddest thing is I think this whole experience may have ruined <em>Annie Hall</em> for me.<p><center><object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/p/80365E1D8DFC2E40?hl=en_US&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/p/80365E1D8DFC2E40?hl=en_US&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="480" height="385" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true"></embed></object><br />
Love you! See you all soon!</center>Penelope's Pantyhosehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14960725640823351029noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2873264542632096618.post-35615804537829988272011-05-11T11:47:00.000-07:002011-05-17T10:43:14.927-07:00That's what a hamburger's all about(Reposted from my old blog. New blogs coming soon!)<br />
<br />
Even though we were tired from auditions and shoots, me and Sook did our usual club thing this weekend.<br />
<br />
Our mantra, as always: get hammered, get laid, get sober and get the hell home.<br />
<br />
To be honest, I'm finding less and less appeal in the whole routine.<br />
<br />
It's a great deal for Suki. She's fueled by fun.<br />
<br />
It's not that she doesn't make emotional connections. She just doesn't need them to be deep or lasting.<br />
<br />
I kind of envy that. Because what I want seems so unattainable that I'm beginning to doubt it exists.<br />
<br />
I want love, God damn it. With all the trimmings.<br />
<br />
But the harder I look for it, the less evidence I see that there is such a thing.<br />
<br />
I'm beginning to feel like a disillusioned Bigfoot hunter. Going through the motions because it's all I know how to do, but not really believing in the beast I'm pursuing.<br />
<br />
Speaking of beasts, that's all there were at the Whisky last night.<br />
<br />
I didn't even want to go there, just based on the name. I'm still getting over Whiskerbelle.<br />
<br />
Anyway, that place was dead. As was the House of Blues. And the Roxy.<br />
<br />
It was like it was Disgusting Knuckle-Dragger Night on Sunset Boulevard.<br />
<br />
Even Suki couldn't find a guy, and she has notoriously low standards.<br />
<br />
We did end up hooking up with a couple of bikers in the parking lot of the appropriately named In-N'-Out Burger.<br />
<br />
I'm just saying this once: NEVER AGAIN.<br />
<br />
No more greasy strangers. No more anonymous hookups. No more awkward, painful car sex choreographed to the music of jingling chains on a dusty leather motorcycle jacket.<br />
<br />
No more guys who won't take their boots off and who answer to names like "Chazz" and "Turbo".<br />
<br />
In short, no more nights that make me feel like pimping pantyhose is the LEAST sleazy part of my life.<br />
<br />
Speaking of which, I think Turbo - the one I got stuck with - might have had a pantyhose fixation of his own. He certainly spent a lot of time pawing and tugging at mine.<br />
<br />
And when he drove away, they were knotted around his handlebar.<br />
<br />
Which sucks because they were nice, expensive ones. Not cheap ones like I waste on you guys (no offense).<br />
<br />
I don't know why it is every Saturday night has to end like that. They all start out promising.<br />
<br />
Maybe I need to watch my alcohol intake.<br />
<br />
The lovely tramp stamp I staggered home with would seem to suggest so.<br />
<br />
Swear to God, I'm going to make one too many trips to the tattoo removal clinic one of these days and they're going to laser my ass completely off...<p><center><object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/p/80365E1D8DFC2E40?hl=en_US&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/p/80365E1D8DFC2E40?hl=en_US&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="480" height="385" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true"></embed></object><br />
Love you! See you all soon!</center>Penelope's Pantyhosehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14960725640823351029noreply@blogger.com0