I nearly gave poor Sook a heart attack last night.
I was still sore all over from my tumble down the stairs, so I made a bunch of cold compresses by stuffing silicone breast implants into old pantyhose legs and sticking them in the freezer.
When Suki walked in the apartment she saw me lying on the couch, buried under a pile of what must have looked to her like swarming nylon squids.
The way she screamed, you would have thought she had seen The Blob.
That's right. Suki believes The Blob is real.
And the thought of it absolutely terrifies her.
Growing up, her third or fourth stepfather--I can't keep them straight at this point--was watching THE BLOB, the original Steve McQueen version, with Suki on some Saturday afternoon movie show.
He told her it was based on a true story, and that the government hushed the whole thing up to prevent a widespread panic.
He was an Air Force man, and claimed he had info on pretty much every top secret operation you hear the conspiracy nuts talking about... Area 51, Project Rainbow, Project Blue Book, Roswell.
(Don't you dare ask how I know the names of all those things.)
Anyway, even after Suki grew up and found out her stepdad was nothing but a grease monkey in the Edwards Air Force Base motor pool, she continued to believe the story he'd told her.
I found her shrieking in my bathtub once because she saw a glob of conditioner puddling up at the edge of the shower drain and swore it was The Blob coming up through the pipes to kill her.
She's not a well girl.
After Suki's initial shock last night at seeing me swarmed over by space alien stocking blobs, she started pulling them off me and slamming them against the floor.
Kind of brave, when you think about it.
It was like she was possessed. I've never seen Suki so violent.
She was pounding and punching and wrestling with those funbag-filled pantyhose like they were alive.
And maybe they were. Because they were kicking her ass.
Suki collapsed on the floor in a tangled-up mess of stretched-out stockings and ruptured silicone sacs.
And I laughed so hard I ached over every inch of me...
Love you! See you all soon!
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