Went to Easter services this morning. Ugh. Yet another occasion that requires the damn pantyhose.
Put my big toe right through them, which was lovely.
Lovelier still was the fact that I didn't even notice until I was at church.
Suki had already given me a lot of shit about wearing open-toed shoes with hose, but what was I supposed to do? It's spring.
And anyway, they're called sandalfoot for a reason, right?
Yeah, believe it or not, I actually convinced Suki to go with me. Which made it a little more fun (if you can call church fun).
Father DiIorio looked at me funny through the entire mass, and acted like he was delivering his sermon directly to me. Surprise surprise, it was the one about Jesus washing the feet of the whores.
Wasn't I just talking about that the other day?
Anyway, I can't say I was shocked, given what happened last week.
I went and did a stupid thing last week. During confession, I told Father about the site.
I didn't plan to.
I just ran out of sins and there was this long, awkward pause. I can't abide an uncomfortable silence, so I blurted it out.
Plus I'm a people pleaser and I could tell Father was disappointed with my sin tally. I usually bring a lot more to the table.
Well, I practically BROKE the frigging table with the website revelation.
I'm STILL not done saying all the Hail Marys he assigned me.
I am enjoying a little payback though, in that I can tell it's absolutely KILLING him that he can't tell anybody.
Still, it creeps me out that I'm suddenly Father DiIorio's personal Mary Magdalene.
He's not coming anywhere NEAR my feet, that much I can tell you.
I may be done with that parish anyway. After what Suki did.
Let's just say Suki's not much of a churchgoer.
She didn't know what the holy water basin was for, so she right away assumed it was a drinking fountain.
After looking in vain for a knob or a spout, she figured it must just be a basin for freshening up.
And she DID!
Oh my God, I was mortified.
Well... her face is now safe from vampire attacks. I guess that's something.
Also, Suki is by nature a very loud chewer.
Which isn't that huge a deal until she's sitting next to you and chewing a COMMUNION WAFER during a moment of SILENCE for our troops in Iraq.
Bad enough I had to make her take out her chewing gum earlier. She still had it in her hand during the "peace be with you" handshake!
Oh! My! God!
But oh, it gets worse.
Much worse.
When the basket got passed around, Suki thought they were handing out some kind of party favors. So she pulled out a handful.
We came home with $87 of other people's church contributions.
We are going to HELL.
Who'm I kidding? I'm already there.
I stayed a little bit after mass to do the obligatory mingling and watch all the Easter festivities.
Even though the deacon in the Easter Bunny costume was wearing a big phony mascot head, I could tell he was ogling me all during the Easter egg hunt.
So I looked down and saw why. After all that standing, sitting and kneeling, I wore two huge-ass holes through the knees of these cheap frigging pantyhose.
If I didn't look like the Whore of Babylon at the beginning of the service, I sure did by the end.
Anyway, the Easter Bunny ended up slobbering so much that the drool backed up in his big fake head and he almost drowned right there on the spot. Paramedics came and the guy had to be rushed to the emergency room!
GOOD. Serves him right.
Anyway, me and Sook are home now and ready to relax.
We're ordering a couple of pizzas and some Cokes with our collection basket money.
Hell, here we come.
Love you! See you all soon!
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